crossoverfic | PARODY - Harry Potter and the Fullmetal Alchemist

Fandom: FMA & Harry Potter
Title: Capslock Potter and the Fullmetal Alchemist
Author:

flyingskull
Rating: PG 13
Characters: FMA: Edward Elric; HP: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy
Summary: Who is the new Slytherin and who is moving that sodding suit of armour all over the place?
Disclaimer: This is a parody, hence no disclaimer needed; however I make no money by posting this on the net.
AN: Edward is fifteen for most of the manga, so I thrusted him into fifth year Hogwarts.

Fifth year at Hogwarts had just begun and, as if Harry hadn't things enough to angst and capslock against, the school seemed to have acquired a new student and a new suit of armour that some idiot kept moving around. Harry suspected the twins, but didn't dare say so because he may have been terminally angsty, but wasn't yet suicidal.

Thus musing, he was walking in the corridor with Ron and Hermione when he came face to face with one of the sources of his annoyance. The new student was there - Wouldn't you just know he'd be sorted into Slytherin? he grumpily thought - looking a little lost.

"Have you seen a suit of armour?" the new student asked, friendly enough.

Harry glared at him, offended by his outlandish attire and his gloves. Gloves! Who the fuck wore gloves indoor? What a poseur.

"Well?" the new student asked again, a note of impatience creeping into his voice.

"There's lots of..." Hermione began, but was rudely interrupted by Ron. She made a mental note not to do his transfiguration paper.

"Look," Ron said, belligerently, "we don't talk to stupid Slytherins who think it's funny to move suits of armour around the school. Now sodoff, dwarf." He turned to Harry. "Another deformed gnome in Slytherin, they collect them, don't they?" he asked loudly.

CLAP! The new student's hands joined in a prayer-like attitude. "Want to beg us, shrimp?" Ron was highly amused. SLAM! The new student's left hand hit the floor. "Ahahahahah!" laughed Ron. "On your knees, Slyth..." THUMP! A stone fist hit Ron so hard he slid several feet before coming to a rest against a wall, out like a candle.

Harry growled and, whipping out his wand, used his best and most efficacious spell.

"EXPELLIARMUS!!" he capslocked with gusto and watched as nothing whatsoever happened. "WHAT!?" he interrobanged, shocked. "WHAT THE FUCK!? GAAAAH!" he yelled as he launched himself at the cockily grinning new student only to meet an iron fist that made him pirouette and drop like a stone.

Hermione had kept her cool and was now ready to avenge her mates.

"Stupefy!" she exclaimed in a clear firm voice, pointing her wand straight at the troublesome new Slytherin. CLAP! SLAM! WALL! RICOCHET! Hermione Granger went down like an empty sack.

Edward Elric dusted his hands, ready to resume his search for Al, when he heard clapping at his back. He turned and saw a short pale-haired pointy boy grinning like a hyena and clapping his hands in evident approval.

"They do nothing but call me 'runt' as well. Alright, among other insults, but you get my drift. Thank you," the boy drawled.

Ed smiled. A kindred soul in this mad place! Maybe it would be alright, after all. The boy was extending his hand.

"My name is Draco Malfoy," the boy said. "Whom have I the honour of addressing?"

"Edward Elric," Ed said, taking the proffered hand. "The Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Alchemist?" Draco's eyes grew huge. "But that's wonderful! I love Alchemy! Though," he added in a spirit of fairness, "it's fallen in disuse, lately." He grew pensive for a bit and then said: "Look, I'm quite good at Potions. I can help you with that, if you teach me Alchemy. I always wanted to make a Philosopher's Stone."

Edward Elric beamed, then he noticed that this Draco boy was a hair shorter than himself and beamed so much more. "I can see this is the start of a splendid friendship," he said, shaking the other's hand with immense vigour.

"Of course!" Draco enthused, while wondering if his arm could take all the battering. "A punishing right and a grip worthy of a giant. Welcome to Slytherin."

Giant! Edward, thought. He felt his eyes sting in unexpected affection for his - shorter - new friend. Giant!

Abruptly he hugged his new friend and said: "Have you seen a suit of armour?"

Finis